the former hole of gar

blog's a-movin'!

2005-10-19T15:23:00.000-07:00

http://garhole.typepad.com/

make sure to rearrange your lives accordingly. and also, if you've linked to any ryanholyoak.com crap, that's about to go the way of the buffalo (but you can link from my new site now).

-gar

p.s. the above link actually works now.

p.p.s. this blog will remain up, so that i don't lose all the comments. but all the pics will be broken. the pics will work on the new blog however.

p.p.p.s. peace out.

whyagra?!

2005-10-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

sushi, the most expensive way to walk away hungry and drunk.

preparing my wasabi.

the final product.

the nasal blast!

***

to keep the theme of awkward sexual revelations going:

i took the better part of a little blue pill last night to keep a steady amount of blood flowing to a certain part of my body. the blood never came. instead, i simply lost my mind. the only time i had felt like this before was when i had taken paxil recreationally (try it, it makes you feel so weird for three days straight; incessant yawning, difficulty discerning right from left and a severe moral dearth. we called it craxil). so anyways, i sat there feeling kind of warm and very afraid for several hours. i also laughed a lot, uncontrollably actually. needless to say, the reckless sex romp that one typically would expect from such an endeavour never came to pass.

-gar

p.s. play this informative game.

p.p.s. i need to shave sooo bad. when god, when will i be able to grow a moustache of noble virtue?!

funday night crapball!

2005-10-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

ever since i moved in to my new place, scotch has been replaced with pabst. basically, micah was replaced with a maverick. micah smelled a lot better and looked a lot cooler with his shirt off.

mountain dew and starbursts for breakfast... mmm...

editing movies is fun. especially when the product of hours and hours of your time is a shitty piece of crap that no one (including yourself) likes.

i was looking at a website this morning, where young ladies send in naked pictures of themselves and in exchange are paid a nominal fee but also achieve the status of being known as something as illustrious as a suicidegirl. the young maiden off to whom i jerked had tattooed little hearts over her nips. and i asked myself, why must we gild a lily here, folks? and thusly, by referring to myself as "folks" i had diagnosed myself as a schizophrenic and after every one of the people in my head achieved a climax, we went to work.

last night i went to bed before midnight and subsequently dreamt up a social life. when i awoke i felt the same embarassment i typically feel when awaking after a real party. isn't that funny? i'm truly a madperson.

-gar

p.s. two months of solid hanging out. 'tis been a wonderful time m'lady. let's go have a nice dinner, eh? and then maybe we can pet one another heavily.

yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand...

2005-10-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

me waking up (looking good).

later that day, after watching cool hand luke (the best movie ever made, go watch it right now), i was enlisted to be a back-up camera person for jaytes, jak & teef's movie.

it's a skate movie that takes place in a forest. "look dude! he's totally grinding that tree! SICK!!!"

joe.

-gar

p.s. seriously, the worst fucking song ever:

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps.

p.p.s. if only it were about her labia majora (then i would like it).

p.p.p.s. filming movies is so sweet. long story short, my nasal passages are inundated with 5 week old cake.

best break ever...

2005-10-15T17:20:00.000-07:00

buildings/clouds.

brook.

-gar

p.s. it's always good to get away from camp, even for an hour.

p.p.s. let them eat cake...

garswell, new garxico

2005-10-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

once upon a time, nar and i were obsessed with a little show called roswell. we rented the first two seasons. then, in order to watch the last half of the third season (a scifi channel marathon), i took the day off of work, woke up at 6:00 in the morning and watched eight to ten hours of the show. then scifi stopped playing roswell. well fortunately for me, the third season has been released and i can finish the show.

it's truly embarassing to like a show like roswell. i mean it was on the wb, and then downgraded to upn for god's sake. there's no indie cred/cult status, like with twin peaks.

brook asked me what the show was about yesterday, and i realized there was no getting around it. "well... it's about three space aliens living secretly among humans and going to high school, and they have like... you know... special powers and stuff."

they should make a show about me, a giddy 14 year old girl living among adults as a 24 year old man-child.

-gar

p.s. do you guys still think i'm cool?

"pretty day from a bike"

2005-10-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

-gar

p.s. the bike has lain dormant since it got so cold my genitals sought refuge in my abdomen. but today, 'twas a beautiful day and i rode the shit out of my bike. now i am inside abravanel hall for the next 9-10 hours.

p.p.s. maybe a party tonight?

p.p.p.s. to my fellow bloggers (well not all of them, just the one's i know, and excluding the one's that suck), you guys make my life. i check my kinja digest with a compulsion that rivals any junkie's habit (and i should know*). keep on keepin' on.

p.p.p.p.s. interesting utah crap.

*you know, because i've seen trainspotting so many times.

DieSpace! or A Dearth of Worth!

2005-10-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

so, some people have actually deleted me as their friend from myspace*. and some people denied my request for friendship. this makes me so pleased. it is so easy to say ok, but to make the bold decision to remove me from or deny me entrance to your myspace is awesome. thank you. in this squalid sea of of self-pity and masturbation, you held aloft your righteous and mighty strainer and dipped it deep within the acrid waters and removed the most sizeable and ugly chunk of life's cruel indecencies (me). god bless you.

-gar

p.s. day off mo fos! on the schedule today is a strict regimen of self-abuse, ingestion of junk food, the watching of dvd's and the listening to of music. peace be unto thee!

p.p.s. i was talking to some of my girlfriends the other day and we came up with what we believed to be a fairly accurate and objective take on men in these modern times: they are pigs!

p.p.p.s. new cat power! download the shit out of it!

p.p.p.p.s. why must steve jobs unleash such a steady stream of consumer products without which i feel e'er more uncool!

*not true

the dubs and repubs

2005-10-13T08:47:00.000-07:00

someone left a perfectly good pair of sunglasses just lying in the street!

see, perfect! (i really look like that drawing of me in this picture)

-gar

p.s. the title of this post sounds like a rap song about our president and his croneys, but actually it's a reference to the w lounge and the republican (the two ale houses at which i drank last night).

p.p.s. my tolerance for alcohol is just getting lower and lower. i had a tall boy and two tetleys's last night and i was mangled!

p.p.p.s. my lady lumps!

p.p.p.p.s. i wasn't so bad at the shoof-lay-bow-arrrds last night, so i gave up early (a little trick i picked up in wendover (quit while you're ahead)).

p.p.p.p.p.s. my house is really coming together. my room looks all perty. we rearranged some shit in the front room, making it look awesome. after we get the band room all set up we can rock hard and long all of the time.

p.p.p.p.p.p.s. so i didn't post yesterday, and let's face it, this post sucks a fundament. sorry, world.

in dreams

2005-10-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

jesus. i don't know what's worse: not getting enough sleep, or getting a nice amount but having stressful dreams throughout.

i dreamt i went to a strip club where our stripper was morbidly obese and her breast resembled an orc's tail. i passed out in the dream and when i awoke it cost $300 for the gross stripper whom i hadn't even watched. then as we drove away this car almost crashed into us and we had to pull over. the other driver did a crazy u-turn just so that she could stare at us and freak me out.

then i dreamt i was trying to go home after a vacation but the tire was flat. as i was getting the flat fixed the car rolled away from me into heavy traffic, narrowly avoiding a speeding car. then i got the car back to the hotel, but i had lost the tire during the car rolling away part. it doesn't make a whole lot of sense now, but all it meant for me as i slept was S-T-R-E-S-S! perhaps i should consider some medication.

-gar

p.s. sometimes i allow myself to get so hungry i go insane. anger, irrational behaviour & paranoia are all symptoms i get.

p.p.s. i am so full of curry i am going to explode.

p.p.p.s. (while looking into mirror) "You did good, God." -Ron Burgundy from Wake Up, Ron Burgundy

weakened weekend

2005-10-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

guitorchestra (sweet). curtis (awesome).

siblings duking it out.

wendover, after i had lost the $40 i had brought.

getting second wind (aka drunk).

after a small loan from nar i was back in business. i ended up with an extra $20 in my pocket. that is so sweet. craps is the funnest game on the planet.

-gar

p.s. i was going to rant and rave about an indecent and uncalled for act that was committed on my house this weekend (long story short, there is human waste on my screen door). but the fatuous perpetrators learned a little thing or two (2) about Lex Talionis from a now nearer and dearer friend. the satanic curse i was going to perform to destroy them would now be superfluous.

p.p.s.

Your IQ Is 120

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius

Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

this can't be accurate. i'm no good at math.

p.p.p.s.

this message was brought to you by the church of jesus christ of latter day saints.

p.p.p.p.s. columbus day, shmolumbus day

coolest jedi(s) ever!

2005-10-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

click for larger image

click for larger image

click for larger image

click for larger image

click for larger image

click for larger image

click for larger image

click for larger image

-gar

p.s. that's my little brother carter.

p.p.s. there is another...

(my sister caroline)

p.p.p.s. special thanks to this website.

two day weekend

2005-10-07T08:22:00.000-07:00

i can't wait.

i finally got anchorman in the mail yesterday. next step? the big lebowski (i just ordered it).

i am so fucking agitated. i want to sleep without having to wake up. i want to drink a million beers. i want to launch megajokes.

-gar

p.s. sorry louis and joe. i think it's sethgar night tonight, so you might not have a house to come home to in a little while. at least, not a house that isn't laden with bodily excretions.

p.p.s. i hate showers. i hate going to the bathroom (#2). i hate brushing my teeth. i hate putting my contacts in. i hate wearing my glasses. i hate eating anything that isn't fast food. i hate when fun isn't priority numero uno.

p.p.p.s. in seven hours i will feel so much better.

p.p.p.p.s. if you believe in a literal translation of the old testament... you might be a redneck.

p.p.p.p.p.s. awesome shit alert:

Natural nuclear reactors
"A natural nuclear fission reactor can occur under certain circumstances that mimic the conditions in a constructed reactor. The only known natural nuclear reactor formed 2 billion years ago in Oklo, Gabon, Africa...

The natural nuclear reactors formed when a uranium-rich mineral deposit became inundated with groundwater that acted as a neutron moderator, and a strong chain reaction took place. The water moderator would boil away as the reaction increased, slowing it back down again and preventing a meltdown. The fission reaction was sustained for hundreds of thousands of years."
from Wiki (of course).

and

The radioactive Boy Scout
"In 1995, a 17-year-old Boy Scout named David Hahn attempted to build a small nuclear reactor in a potting shed in his back yard. This reactor was far too small to be critical, but it included a neutron source and moderator. He collected sufficient quantities of radioactive materials that the US EPA had to be called in to saw up and dispose of the entire potting shed in a radioactive waste dump. David's parents had already secretly disposed of some of the most dangerous material by throwing it in the garbage. The reactor was built with radium (from old paint) and americium (from smoke detectors) as sources of alpha particles, which struck aluminum and beryllium to produce fast neutrons. The resulting neutrons were used to irradiate thorium (from gas mantles) and uranium (obtained as samples from a Czech company). The required information to obtain the elements and design the reactor were obtained by the simple expedient of writing letters to various organizations, claiming to be working on a merit badge or as "Professor Hahn" teaching a high-school physics class."
also from Wiki

i ({i}) you

2005-10-06T15:21:00.000-07:00

i want to be at home, drinking a pabst and kicking people off our new wireless network. i like the internet. did you know that you can learn things on it? my resume will one day say:

extensive private research conducted via the world wide web in lieu of university "education"

sometimes i get so bored that i become partially retarded. and i mean that in the most politically responsible way.

hey, but let's face it, not a whole lot of them (retards) are reading gar's shit hole. the whole irony thing tends to elude them.

-gar

p.s. sometimes i don't regret my ween tattoo (yes i have a ween tattoo). days on which i listen to shinola vol 1 constitute those types of days.

p.p.s. the sunglasses pictured above feature such dark lenses one cannot see through them unless one is staring directly into an active supernova. they are perfect for recreating the underwear scene in risky business whilst viewing celestial phenomena. bob seger gives me orgasms in my penis and butthole.

p.p.p.s. do you guys still think i'm cool?

machismo... stupid?

2005-10-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

the view of our fair city as seen from the middle of three hundred south (i risked my life to take this photo).

team shuffleboard. they are much better than me.

fig 1.1

there are two kinds of idiots. the first, those who start fights unnecessarily. the second, those who are drunk assholes to the first type. both types were present at the republican last night. a fight ensued. it made me so uncomfortable (see fig 1.1). and the best part? they both had moustaches!

as a c student for the better part of my high school/college career, i am used to being mediocre. but i fucking suck at shuffleboard.

this looked really pretty last night. but now it just looks like a lite brite.

-gar

p.s. i finally saw the baxter. i liked it. but the editing seemed very awkward. and i couldn't stop thinking about stella (the show, not m.i.b.'s character's wife). justin theroux is an amazing actor. and i think that michael ian black really likes to be eating when making the jokes. i'm glad i don't have to write movie reviews for a living because it's hard and stupid and subjective and half of a movie experience is the mood in which one finds oneself whilst taking in (visually) a cinematic experience (a movie).

p.p.s. so nariman tells me he got a weird phone call from a blocked i.d. the other night too. isn't that fucking weird? it was like a weird robot voice that was talking as if it was in a lover's tiff or something. i barely remember it but nar does. did this happen to anyone else? does anyone have any ideas as to why this happened? creepy.

fuck is the new shit

2005-10-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

fucking patriot act!!! seth owes me money for that keyboard, so he signed his paycheck over to me. i was going to deposit 60 of it and give the rest to him, but when i handed it to the teller he told me no dice! the fucking patriot act says no dice to third party checks!!!

then seth, as a joke, screamed "terrorist" at me outside, but i couldn't help but worry that the lovely hot-dog vendor guy (who is of middle eastern origin and was within earshot) might have thought it was directed at him. if seth had just followed my "Paranoid Code of Conduct for the Speaking Out of Doors:

1) never mention anyone by name.

2) never speak loudly.

3) if you have to speak loudly, stick to words that couldn't possibly offend or involve anyone.

then he wouldn't have hurt anyone's feelings (potentially).

fuck. i am so mad. i can't fucking believe how quickly this country went down the shitter. fuck.

-gar

p.s. yes, i know that this small facet of the patriot act is probably the least of our problems as far as the loss of civil liberties goes. maybe if the terrorists didn't hate our freedoms so much, the government wouldn't have to take so many of them away from us.

j'ai l'internet!

2005-10-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

i'm back in business!

-gar

p.s. and i got my new keyboard!

p.p.s. and i got the new ween b-sides album (it rocks)!!!

p.p.p.s. and i got some new epic (sweet canadian rap). it's awesome.

p.p.p.p.s. i like buying things!

weird

2005-10-03T09:06:00.000-07:00

the fellow who taught me how to play area 51 as an alien*, died. we had french class together in 7th or 8th grade or maybe both. he was one of the o.g. computer nerds, you know, DOS and shit. now's he's logged in to that great b.b.s. in the sky. what... too soon?

-gar

p.s. i had the worst night of sleep ever! i had a million bad dreams.

p.p.s. should i play risk or see the double tonight. decisions, decisions.

p.p.p.s. i get a day off tomorrow! i haven't had one since september 25th, and i'm not even becoming a doctor!

p.p.p.p.s.

the face that launched a thousand laughs
(REMBER WHO YOU WORK FOR (sic) a zep caldron original).

p.p.p.p.p.s. hey everyone! i just figured something out, i think had a little divine help, if you catch my meaning. internet explorer oft-times can't figure out that a new post has been posted, and a good old-fashioned F5 refresh doesn't do the trick. try this one on for size! Ctrl-F5!!! i am the coolest (thanks, scott).

*do not shoot any of the aliens at the beginning, just shoot the good guys. you'll get shot twice, but not the game-ending thrice. after the third good guy you shoot, the game restarts and you see everything as an alien (have you ever seen the predator? it's kind of like that, but worse).

nightmaraoke! or korearaoke!

2005-10-02T11:05:00.000-07:00

'twas the golden jew's birthday at midnight last night and we went out to celebrate. we went to a strange and curious place wherein i felt as though i was deep in slumber. we went to a karaoke establishment where one brings one's own alcohol and rents out private rooms. one can smoke inside. the walls were all wasabi green, all the signs were in what i believe was korean, and posters of cars and asian women adorned the walls. the jack-off booths, i mean the karaoke chambers were all booked so we had to chill in the ultimate hang-zone while we waited. people were playing a strange game that resembled pool, but without pockets and with much fewer balls. i kept asking those around me, "when did i fall asleep? and when will i wake up?"

we finally gained entrance to a booth, but one designed for much fewer people than the large number we had with us. the menus were all in korean.

the world's largest remote (also in korean). jim and mason try their best to learn another language as quickly as possible.

finally we figured out which symbols meant "play" and i started to sing young turks. i was intimidated because brook was in the room and she knows the song forwards and backwards. needless to say i fucked up a lot.

with three hundred people in a 6 person room, sauna-like conditions developed. i, following a lead from my good friend seth (who was there in spirit), removed my shirt.

look at all that sweat!

there is a dance club next door where the minority communities of salt lake city come to congregate. this is how i looked.

this is how they looked at me.

-gar

p.s. holy crap that was fun. except i demanded to sing every other song, so people got pretty fed up with me.

p.p.s. my insides feel gross.

MormonCon is in full effect!

2005-10-01T12:02:00.000-07:00

the streets are littered with mormons. i'm glad i ride a bike. speaking of which, i got the wheel fixed (remember when i caught my foot in the spokes and bent them?).

my sweet new hat i inherited from the trashpit!

the sweetest team to have ever walked the earth (second to a.t.d.f.)!

-gar

p.s. everyone thought i was wearing a soviet hat so they thought it strange that i was screaming in german. then this one guy gave me the nazi salute. i screamed "EAST GERMANY!" i was embarassed for him. then i realized by emphasizing the east in east germany, he probably thought i was implying that west germany was nazi germany. poor dude must be so confused.

fates worse than death...

2005-09-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

since my work blocks myspace.com and i have no internet at home, my finger has never been further from the pulse of the scene! and by scene i mean of course the endless stream of chain letters, self-aggrandizement, pleas for attention, contrived weirdness, feigned political activism and of course... BLOGS!!! well not so much the latter, cuz all y'all bitches in da know be's on blogga!

'tis magic glove season once more at Rite Aid!!! i buy a pair every time i'm all up in that and i have usally lost or destroyed the previous pair in the interim.

-gar

p.s. yesterday, whilst i slept, i got a call from a blocked i.d. and i'm pretty sure i dreamt the conversation that ensued. but maybe i didn't... did you call me last night at 9:40pm and did i say over and over, "i don' t know who you are"?

p.p.s. if you're questioning your reading comprehension skills at this moment you are either:

a) wondering if i was asleep at 9:40pm. the answer is yes. sometimes i'm not drunk.

or

b) preparing to take the LSAT tomorrow, in which case i perform the following ritual for you via the internet:

by the powers of the four crown princes of hell, i commandeth thee to do well, so that we may voyage to the city of New York in the New Year, where we shalt sinketh or swimmeth in the unyielding abyss of gotham.

AVE SATANAS!!!

relive the magic...

2005-09-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

while buying second 12 pack

maverick lady: are you drunk?

gar: if by that you mean i drank the last twelve beers you sold me.

maverick lady: well, if you're drunk i can't sell you beer.

gar: i'm not drunk.

scene.

it was just like old times. seth and i. drinking. early in the day. then we both get wasted. but seth gets really wasted. then he passes out and i leave to go to a bar. then i come home and seth has pissed and puked in my bed. piss on my new quilt and puke on my wireless keyboard. so brook and i go sleep at her house.

then i come over in the morning to survey the damage with a clear head: quilt = gross. keyboard = fucked. mattress = inundated with green vomit. life = ruined.

-gar

p.s. ok, all is well. seth is cleaning my mattress and washing the sheets. and he is going to buy me a new keyboard. (correction: i had to clean my own damn sheets)

p.p.s. i feel like crap today. i'm an angry sum-byotch!

porch couch!

2005-09-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

after a quick jaunt on over to craigslist, jaytes found us a couch for fifteen dollars. 'tis a wondrous venue for the consumption of beer and inhalation of burning tobacco.

-gar

p.s. did you know that they finally snapped a pic of a giant squid?!!!!!

fucking sweet.

p.p.s. i dreamt i was on a massive cruise ship that was filled with water and there were three submarines floating inside and a man or woman could swim betwixt them.

p.p.p.s. between moving to a new house and spending a night in park city my bowels are officially in vacation mode. i haven't expelled waste for a week!

p.p.p.p.s. i'm almost entirely out of park street and in the process of moving i have noticed some more things that were stolen that fateful night (the early morning hours of august 4th, 2005. that was the same night i broke my finger, mind you). here's the (hopefully) final list:

cell phone (m)
backpack w/ i.d. (s)
cologne (g)
guitar (m)
briefcase (g)
midi keyboard (g)
wireless router (g)

(m) = micah's, (s) = seth's, (g) = gar's

at first, i thought i got off light, but now i realize that i am out over $200 worth of gear. bunch of savages in this town.

p.p.p.p.p.s. the lifeless girls who roam aimlessly between 806 and 804 park now have seriously fucked open wounds on their faces confirming my suspicion they are all on crack and/or crystal meth. and when i went into my old apartment to get some shit there was smoke wafting through the place. creepy.

p.p.p.p.p.p.s. i need some food.

p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s.

today's "Teach The Nietzsch" is brought to you by Zep Caldron:

Flee, my friend, into your solitude: I see you stung all over by the poisonous flies. Flee to where a rough, strong breeze blows!
Flee into your solitude! you have lived too closely to the small and the pitiful. Flee from their invisible vengeance! For you they have nothing but vengeance.
No longer raise your arm against them! They are innumerable, and it is not your task to shoo flies.
Innumerable are the small and pitiful ones; and rain-drops and weeds have been the ruin of many a proud structure.
You are not stone; but already have you become hollow from many drops. You will yet break and burst from the many drops.
I see you exhausted by poisonous flies; I see you bleeding and torn at a hundred spots; and your pride refuses even to be angry.
They would have blood from you in all innocence; blood is what bloodless souls crave- and therefore they sting in all innocence.
But you, profound one, you suffer too profoundly even from small wounds; and before you have healed, the same poison-worm crawls over your hand.
You are too proud to kill these gluttons. But take care lest it be your fate to suffer all their poisonous injustice!
They buzz around you also with their praise: obtrusiveness is their praise. They want to be close to your skin and your blood.
They flatter you, as one flatters a God or devil; they whimper before you, as before a God or devil; What does it come to! They are flatterers and whimperers, and nothing more.
Often, also, do they show themselves to you as friendly ones. But that has always been the prudence of cowards. Yes! cowards are wise!
They think much about you with their petty souls- you are always suspect to them! Whatever is much thought about is at last thought suspicious.
They punish you for all your virtues. They pardon you entirely- for your errors.
Because you are gentle and of honest character, you say: "Guiltless are they for their small existence." But their petty souls think: "Guilty is every great existence."
Even when you are gentle towards them, they still feel themselves despised by you; and they repay your beneficence with secret maleficence.
Your silent pride is always counter to their taste; they rejoice if once you are humble enough to be vain.
What we recognize in a man, we also irritate in him. Therefore be on your guard against the small ones!
In your presence they feel themselves small, and their baseness gleams and glows against you in invisible vengeance.
You did not see how often they became silent when you approached them, and how their energy left them like the smoke of an waning fire?
Yes, my friend, you are the bad conscience of your neighbors, for they are unworthy of you. Therefore they hate you, and would rather suck your blood.
Your neighbors will always be poisonous flies; what is great in you- that itself must make them more poisonous, and always more fly-like.
Flee, my friend, into your solitude- and there, where a rough strong breeze blows. It is not your lot to shoo flies.-

Thus spoke Zarathustra.

i'm busy!

2005-09-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

work is all of a sudden very busy! no time for blogs! aaaahhh!!!

-gar

p.s. my house is so awesome. we have 200 couches where you can sleep tight!

p.p.s. as soon as we have internet our lives will be complete!

p.p.p.s. i am so stressed out!

p.p.p.p.s. my dreams are so stressful!!!

phil collins gave me the clap!

2005-09-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

getting my hair did.

at a wedding where you don't know anyone? think think... have a drink!

hot.

the crowd to which i presented live goldfish repeatedly until receiving quite an upbraiding from some of the other guests.

after realising i wasn't seth and couldn't be my own private a.t.d.f. at a wedding things got a little hazy...

then i gave up altogether and passed out on a couch.
(photo credit: brook mingo)

-gar

p.s. my new house is http://www.thebomb.com!!!

p.p.s. except that the thermostat is broken and can't go above 60° fahrenheit. when i woke up i thought i had become a girl.

p.p.p.s. and all of the doors have signs of being broken in (the outdoor ones have new door frames and the inside ones have either chunks missing or dented padlock holes or both). can you say S.W.A.T. raid?

p.p.p.p.s. if you want to have one last pee on the carpet at 806 park, you have until friday.

reminisce

2005-09-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

the california king size has been moved!!!

chaos reigns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-gar

jesus fuck

2005-09-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

this morning i was awoken by the sound of knocking. arminda, my beloved neighbor, pounded on the door of my downstairs neighbor for about 20 minutes (time estimated). she would scream intermittently into his apartment. their was no response from him, but it sure bothered the shit out of me.

it turns out my other neighbor paul is in jail. yeah, leroy came through my apartment yesterday and told me. paul was the only one i kind of liked.

arminda is a psychopath. she literally has five million grandchildren to whom she is extremely cruel; for example: six year old riding razor scooter across the street, arminda is all, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE ROAD!"

leroy and his crack whores listen to the worst music in the world. i thought what's his face from downstair's hip hop was irritating at three in the morning, but i was wrong. what's more grating than the thump-thump pause-pause thump-thump of hip hop? the wailing of saxophones and casiotones.

as i lay sleepless each night i imagine what's going on in and around my apartment building:

arminda: passed out face down on the couch after a barbituate binge as her grandchildren rape one another in the front yard on piles of doritos.

leroy: snorting rails of crystal meth off the bare, gangrenous breasts of his hookers as they try desperately to remember what it felt like to be free.

downstair's guy: severing human flesh from bone with a hunting knife as his friend's look on hungrily, waiting to consume the bloody feast their master prepares for them.

***

moral of this story: i can't wait to move.

-gar

p.s. last night we went to a party. i was uncomfortable. i drank as many mlh's as poss and things got a little better. in the middle of nar's b-day song i screamed:

الله أَكْبَر

needless to say it was awesome.

after nar left, brook and i had a lovely walk home. on the way, two majestic cats came unto us and we basked in their glory. i employed all the cat-loving techniques nar has taught me to woo them. i gave them the love-shove and as they fell on their side i began to pet them from head to tail on the back repeatedly. then i held each of them in my arms chanting monotonously, "kitty-brrrow!" and then just "mao!" like a lemur does. it was beautiful.

good times...

2005-09-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

beers and shuffleboard.

me, after my 18th consecutive loss.

-gar

تولدت مبارک

2005-09-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAR!

-gar

p.s. "ten lucky years!"

----------------------------------------------------

p.p.s. last night i played risk for the first time. let's just say i got a little ambitious and spread myself a little thin. i am now in love with this game.

p.p.p.s. last night i dreamt i had somehow swallowed a hefty amount of fishing tackle. the first struggle was to get the hooks out of my cheeks and gums. after that process i had to pull on the hooks which were connected to fishing line that went down to my stomach. as i pulled the strings out they felt so gross. then at the end of each string was a ball of crap that felt extra gross as it came out of my throat. the last string was hooked onto my uvula and wouldn't come out. every time i remember this dream (every 10-15 minutes) i gag.

p.p.p.p.s. i signed the lease on my new place today. i wish i was moved in already.

mi bicicleta

2005-09-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

view from bike

i rode the crap out of my bike yesterday. very fun. i finally got to see the aristocrats (which was awesome). the most obscene part was when one of the men who was being interviewed was in a hot tub, really old, naked & creepy and had his arm around a very young, naked & snaggle-toothed hooker.

-gar

p.s. i'm hungry for soda.

beer belly

2005-09-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

what happens when upon seeing my fat belly you ask about my baby? i launch into an awful arnold schwarzenegger accent and then somehow tie that into speaking like steve irwin for hours on end. and then brook loses all patience with me.

oim a gibernatorial kinnidate!

grrr!

-gar

p.s. the new devendra banhart & the double = awesome.

p.p.s. i am moving into a new place on wednesday. i don't know how i'm getting that california king out of here.

p.p.p.s. i just watched the movie crash (the new one) from about a half an hour in without knowing it. i was confused as fuck most of the time. then i realized as i was watching the commentary (to try and figure out what the fuck was going on) that there was a whole beginning i had missed.

p.p.p.p.s. i really wanted to see the aristocrats yesterday but the reel was damaged at the theatre. i got screwed!

p.p.p.p.p.s. saturday morning breakfasts at the other place are turning into a very nice routine. brook has developed quite a rapport* with our waitress. *i just learned how to spell that word

weird...

2005-09-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

i finally got around to watching "deliverance" (i've had it from netflix for over a week now). and then today, the quote of the day on imdb was from it!

LEWIS

Anywhere. Everywhere. Nowhere.

awesome.

fortune has shined its gentle face on me this week. boldness tends to be favored by it, i hear.

peace love smoke buds.

-gar

p.s. i like sleeping. i had a dream where we were parachuting caskets into the ocean in hawaii. one broke open and the corpse fell out.

p.p.s. i learned yesterday that leni riefenstahl, the infamous nazi propagandist/filmmaker started the whole olympic torch thing. take that, you olympic pin hoarding jerks.

p.p.p.s. also, after a slew of false myspace bulletins, i have taken to reading snopes.com to find out the scoop on some shit. orthodox jews do not have sex through a sheet (although there was a funny Upright Citizens Brigade sketch about it). Yellow#5 does not shrink your balls (although mine are pretty small). It is safe to swim after eating. Hair will not grow back faster after you shave (hence my sad, sparse facial hair). gum does not take 7 years to go through you (i'd be chock-full!). and a bunch of other dumb shit people believe.

p.p.p.p.s. i need a soda.

if you feel as sick as i do, proceed with caution...

2005-09-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

between being awake, being drunk and having the most vivid, realistic dreams possible, my life gets very confusing. what has actually happened? what was a dream? what is confabulation? did i actually do/say that?

8:45am
i was in the shower when i needed to what it felt like was pass gas. as i attempted to do so a deluge of liquid-form-faeces came out of me. i dropped to the floor and forced what solids there were down the drain.

***ten minutes earlier...***

8:35am
this morning, as i was being driven home, i was complaining that i wouldn't make it to work on time. brook said that i had plenty of time to shower and get there. i, as a joke, said, "but i have to shit too!" then she, as a better joke, said, "you can shit in the shower!"

oh how we laughed...

9:30am
"is she psychic? was it a self fulfilling prophecy? am i still dreaming? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-gar

p.s. wiseguys has the worst comics i have ever heard in my life. how is saying, first thing, into the microphone, "this is gay" a joke??? and why would people laugh?!

p.p.s. charlie murphy is funny.

p.p.p.s. take that, theists! or, how about, "one nation, under Satan..."

the onion

2005-09-14T08:19:00.000-07:00

they've still got it.

-gar

p.s. i finally got some sleep last night and it was wonderful.

p.p.s. microscopic mini-post:

i was very tempted to drink and drive last evening, but fortunately someone i know had sent a very persuasive myspace bulletin about the perils of operating motor vehicles whilst inebriated which employed powerful imagery in its message. the pictures of a disfigured human being were so moving that it caused me to vomit up the alcohol i had consumed and thus, when i got behind the wheel of my automobile, my b.a.c., or blood alcohol level, was at a safe .07.

-the shame

interpol

2005-09-13T08:47:00.000-07:00

3rd interpol show this year for me. boise, baltimore and slc. it was amazing as expected. front row center. i think carlos' boner rubbed against me at one point.

the double played two songs that i love.

interpol played:

next exit
slow hands
NARC
a time to be so small
say hello to the angels
public pervert
not even jail
hands away
evil
obstacle 1
take you on a cruise
PDA
untitled
obstacle 2
roland

by the end i was actually sick of achieving climaxes in my pants, or as the french would say, "la petite mort à l'intérieur de mon pantalon."

-gar

p.s.

the unbridled glee with which i operated after the show.

p.p.s. mrs. mingo bought me two shirts. and she found one of the picks paul threw. and i got a setlist.

one man a.t.d.f.!

2005-09-12T10:53:00.000-07:00

on saturday night i went to room 32 with petard. it was one of those nights where you pay $10 at the door and the bar is free (granted, they serve sacrament-sized shots). i was determined to get my $10 + $25 overdraft fee's worth. needless to say i got very drunk. well, this is what happened. every girl in the whole place wanted to talk to peter (he's in a band if you weren't aware), so his attention was diverted away from me. my attempts to inundate him with insanity caused his levees to be breached and he realized that humoring me entailed scaring away any of his vaginate prospects. so there i was, for all intents and purposes alone, no boyfriends interested in megajokes and no girlfriend in sight. so i became my own private awkward team destruction force. as highlighted in a previous post i would ask people if they wanted some lip gloss, and then verbally screen them for herpes of the mouth. i screamed "pussy control" at some cheff (they were playing the song at the time). i kept screaming "party time" at people and when they would respond i would scream, "i can't hear you, the music's too loud!" they played that song about the songstress's "lady lumps" and that became the theme for the rest of the night.

totally sweet.

anyways... interpol is tonight. i queef every hour on the hour in excitement. i've taken to wearing diapers to catch the intermittent brick that i shit out, not to mention the constant stream of urine/semen that has been flooding out for three days. when i'm not shitting, queefing, micturating or oozing gametes (which is never) i am dry humping anyone with a suit and tie.

fuck, i am so excited.

-garlos d

9/11, i'll seriously try not to forget.

2005-09-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

as i was watching over 10 hours of 9/11 television programs today i noticed that there are striking similarities between the infamous picture of highjacker muhammed atta and my driver's license photo.

-gar

ringu

2005-09-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

A man who assured me he doesn't have herpes of the mouth just used my barbie lip gloss/ring.

-gar

george bush does not care about black people.

2005-09-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

coolest clouds ever. yesterday it rained harder than i have ever seen in this city. and then these happened. then i went insane.

-gar

p.s. yes it's fall. it was cold on the way to work today. my life was significantly different one year ago. the end of my final fantasy obsession was on nigh. i had a cat and absolutely no social life. things were... different.

p.p.s. interpol in two days.

p.p.p.s. last night i had three strange dreams:

1) an elderly man and his son were trying to gain entrance to my apartment as i slept.

2) my neighbor shot and killed an elderly david hasselhoff after a fight.

3) i was helping an elderly anthony hopkins parachute out of a plane, catch a rocket mid-fall, and then fly over a mountain. he kept failing and eventually gave up and said he was too old to do it. i walked away from him crying my eyeballs out.

i less than three you

2005-09-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

fuck heineken! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

dracula pinball > mr. and mrs. smith

-gar

p.s. read this.

grrr...

2005-09-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

i am so agro today! i'm eating some hot dogs right now so maybe i'll cool out soon. i'm back on the hot dog diet because i'm down to about $20 for the next two weeks.

so, seth, who has apparently been way too cool for every party to which i've ever taken him, just openly invited a common street urchin to apply at our work. whatever happened to your nietzsche inspired ideals of superiority?!

-gar

p.s. grrr...

p.p.s. rome is a totally sweet show. nar and i are way into it. tommy from trainspotting plays a centurion. "ah'm a centurion n ah dinnae gie ay toss aboot any a ye! now, whair's mah vino?!"

p.p.p.s. pants? creamed...

do i ever wear a shirt anymore?

2005-09-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

the night we met we knew there was something special (this pic caused a very classy, non-sailor-type mother to say, "what the hell?").

i look evil.

-gar

p.s. 100% my finger is broken. should i go see a hand surgeon? i don't know. i kind of like being mangled.

p.p.s. i have spent all of my money. i'm not exactly sure how. i think it boils down to putting food bills on my card and having ppl give me cash, which i then i immediately spend.

p.p.p.s. interpol on monday. i have had two dreams in as many days about them.

eff katrina, leonard needs some help!

2005-09-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

my main man's broke!

"...some poor singer just like me..."

-leonard cohen

also, the real victims of katrina: junkies!

-gar

...

2005-09-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

so seth and i tried to relive our former a.t.d.f. glory but our suspicions that a micah was mandatory were confirmed. it resulted in seth puking up the 1/10 of whiskey he drank and curling up in my bed.

undeterred, i called brook and we hit the party circuit.

nar was there, looking dapper as ever (in my hat).

all's well that ends well.

-gar

p.s. getting drunk twice in one day is hard work.

p.p.s. mimosas with peter on a sunday morning are a rare treat.

september the second, the year of our lord two thousand and five

2005-09-03T14:51:00.000-07:00

the sky looked amazing last night and here are my four (4) failed attempts to capture it.

republican round two. we ran into our good friend stevening.

stevening's awesomely extinguished cigarette.

-gar

p.s.

it means something...

p.p.s. i'm about to get cocked and loaded! seth is here!!!

best night of my life!

2005-09-02T08:48:00.000-07:00

hey, everybody... come and see how good i look?

holy shit. best game ever! i'd like to give a shout out to bromar for introducing me to this sweetness!

ROCK!

-gar

p.s. ok, the republican is the sweetest bar ever. why? well, for starters it's 5 blocks from my house. secondly, they have a bike rack inside. thirdly, it's a beer bar and thus no membership is required (confused? click here). fourthly and finally, they have the sweet game pictured above (shuffleboard). i was kicking ass last night until i really started sucking. hubris, 'twas my bane.

...

2005-09-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

you are like a hurricane
there's calm in your eye.
and i'm gettin' blown away
to somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
i want to love you but
i'm getting blown away.

-neil

prelude to a kiss

-gar

p.s. when i eat, i eat too much. when i drink, i drink too much.

p.p.s. guess what? my doctor told me to quit smoking. i couldn't believe it.

diagnosis: broken

2005-08-31T13:30:00.000-07:00

"ow, my fucking finger..."

-don

so it's kind of official. my finger is broken. i finally got it checked out almost a month later and the doc says its true. one deformed digit is a small price to pay for being given the chance to rock out hard with micah slawinski to "fortunate son" one last time. when i told the x-ray dude that it was a karaoke injury, he told me i deserved it. laughter ensued.

when i get the x-rays back either it will be confirmed broken and there will be nothing they can do, or it'll be "fine" and i'll still have a mangled finger. awesome.

life is still good. interpol in 12 effing days. carlos d's juices will spill out onto my face with any luck. and there are at least 4 songs by the Double that i am currently way into.

what's worse: suffering through a horrible tragedy or the feeling of impending doom? you tell me.

-gar

p.s. gar is the new hole.

p.p.s. the scariest looking dude in the world just moved in downstairs. i need to move out by october 1st. j.t. and i are looking for a place, help some dudes out, eh?

blogs, eh?

2005-08-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

*insert vomit-inducing picture here*

once there was a stupid little boy. he ate and drank way too much and passed out whilst watching "a streetcar named desire". he woke up a while later to discover that his stomach was trying to eats its way out of his abdomen. he yelped in pain, but when assistance was offered he boldly denied it. however, the offerer of said help would not take no for an answer, being a truly angelic being. this wondrous creature took off into the cold, dark night. she returned with all the necessary things to make a literally and figuratively dyspeptic boy well again, and in addition, brighten his morning with his most favorite bottle of wake-up juice. however, in his agony, the boy had regressed in age so deep he had resorted to one word sentences of dismay. but upon completing the wondrous cup of tea bestowed upon him by this supplier of salvational delights, he softly closed his stupid eyelids and fell deep into slumber once more.

-gar

p.s.

top 3 songs right now:

mongoloid - devo

disintegration - cure cover by converge

miami - the double

p.p.s. fall is in the air, i can feel it. i am going to go completely insane!

can life be too much fun?

2005-08-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

MANGLED!

-gar

p.s. wet hot american summer is the best movie ever. have you watched the dvd with the extra fart track? fucking hilarious.

p.p.s. i hate my blog.

p.p.p.s. seth just sidled up to me as i type this message. i was barely beginning to detect the presence of a life form when he spoke quietly, but closely into my ear hole, "what are you doing?" i was made very uncomfortable by the whole situation and yelled, "JESUS!" in front of a lady whose ticketing choice was based around a certain religious "conference" that happens in this town.

p.p.p.p.s. holy living fuck. i am so confused. remember when my life was just a trainwreck upon which seth, micah and i were all hurtling towards oblivion? well, someone or something slammed on the brakes, put out the flames, soothed our wounds with a divine salve and told us all we were golden gods and that true love awaited. we ascended to an unknowable heaven for five glorious days as we were prepared for our new lives as angels of light and hope. our earthly corpses were exhumed from this pit of concrete and tar. our cold black hearts were wrapped in laurel leaves and cherry blossoms. our disheveled bodies were anointed with oils and our worried minds were calmed with the music of 7 sirens. upon our return to this planet, we were each in turn bestowed with the objects of each of our respective desires.

but what of all the chaos that abounded leading up to our resurrection? was it simply a cathartic cleansing, releasing the last of our demons into the ether? an earthly baptism from self-destruction and sin? Newly renewing our eyeballs and preparing us for a light previously unseen? oh, father time, merciless captain of this ship of questionable construction, what secrets holdest thee in the wrinkles of thy unyielding garments?

p.p.p.p.p.s. anyways, i'll catch you all on the flipside!!!

fear/anxiety...

2005-08-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

best day/night ever.

-gar

p.s. why doesn't gar ever post a post worth a shit anymore? because i'm in love. what more do you want from me?

p.p.s.
tasty dinner at uncle's house!

pizza party!

2005-08-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

12 pack on a bike. best thing ever.

i was in a movie made by a bunch of lugubrious saps. i'll let you know when they post it to the internet. i was really awesome in it. i was compensated with a dr. pepper and a cigarette.

-gar

...

2005-08-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

-gay

um, stupid question... what's a blog?

2005-08-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

have you ever had a sequel to a soda? i have. i feel a certain brand loyalty to mountain dew for some unknown reason (probably childhood indoctrination) which is strange b/c i hate pepsi and i feel like anyone with any real class drinks coca-cola, unless you're against that whole "globalization" thing, then you're proabably drinking fair-trade, locally grown, 100% non-gmo certified organic eucalyptus extract. anyways, i have an insatiable desire to try all the different kinds of dew. oh of course you're all familiar with the original green kind. then there was code red, which i was quite fond of for a while but now i can't stand it. then livewire came out and blew my mind. i still enjoy that, although typically i'm not the biggest fan of orange sodas (even though they're featured prominently in my fav movie ever (joe vs. the volcano (recently mentioned in the onion's av club article on box office flops that are worth watching))). then, unexpectedly they released pitch black, and it was awesome. i drank it. oh yeah, then you can get baja blast at taco bell, which i do, often. there was a darth dew slurpee that i failed to taste b/c i don't like slurpees. but anyways, jesus aitching christ this post is long and stupid!!! basically, what i'm trying to say, is after receiving the inverse of an anonymous tip from char i gave this drink a taste: pitch black II, now with gross sourness. actually it's all right. i'll probably drink this until they release a fair-trade, locally grown, 100% non gmo certified organic mountain dew called: Patchouli Punch!

-gar

p.s. so, in case you haven't noticed i replaced all those links for the blogs i read/like with a kinja digest. one word: fucking sweet. you can make your own and it lays out the most recent posts of all the blogs you tell it to. it seems to take a while to get the hang of itself after you've added new ones, but it sorts itself out and becomes totally sweet.

p.p.s. yes, my computer talks and it is awesome.

i was hanging with my niece and some of her skateboarding friends...

2005-08-25T17:52:00.000-07:00

-gar

life is one sweet fruit...

2005-08-25T16:47:00.000-07:00

-gar

...

2005-08-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

hey everyone... come and see how good I look!

-gar

p.s. creep fest 2005! do you guys all remember that totally creepy old dude out with whom i used to hang? yeah, i was 17 and he was 48 and he wanted to do me and was way creepy. but he bought me cartons of nat sherman cigarettes weekly, so i didn't mind too much until it got Weird. anyways, everyone thought i was boning this old creep and i was getting way sick of his invitations for sleepovers and i decided to bail out. well, it's been a million years and i have only seen him occasionally. he's always at a coffee shop, sucking on a cheap cigar and creeping little boys out. in fact, i found out that he has a nickname, "the velveteen cowboy". well i totally saw him last night and it creeped the shit out of me. too bad he didn't really have cancer like he said he did and he's not dead.

p.p.s. check this crap out: optical illusion insanity!

national press

2005-08-24T11:02:00.000-07:00

for rocky anderson's awesomeness. yay!

peep it here!

-gar

p.s. dilated pupils are the coolest/worst! you get to look like this:

and wear these:

p.p.s. riding your bike with dilated pupils and sweet ass paper sunglasses is the most awesome/dangerous thing one can do!!!

...

2005-08-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

i'm a drunk vampire...

-gar

happy 10th eyeniversary!

2005-08-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

10 years ago today i was shot in the left eyeball by grant riddle (the younger fellow in this photograph) with a b.b. gun. it was a criminal act (for which he was punished mildly).

anyways, i was going to regale you all with the longwinded, tearjerking saga, but fuck it. not that i don't want your hearts to be filled with loathing at the sight of these two men and their awful commercials, so much so that you boycott their store for the entirety of your lives, but here goes a more positive spin on things (keep in mind, i still think grant is a douchebag).

10 years ago, i was a frightened little boy trying my best to believe in things i found difficult to accept. i got shot in the eyeball by a boy with a cold black ignorant heart gilded in the social graces of an eagle scout, a two-sport athlete, and the stamp of approval from the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints (of which i was previously a member). the evil boy's overt act of indiscriminate hostility was somehow lessened in the eyes of the law simply because he was your typical all american mormon boy. this angered me so. i was trying my damnedest to be a good mormon, obeying all the rules, yet somehow failing to believe it in my heart and yet this evil boy apparently believed it and yet failed so miserably at following the most basic of tenets: the golden rule.

well anyways, this wasn't what i really had in mind when i set down to write this crap. what i'm trying to say is that although my left eye is fucked and always will be, i wouldn't have become who i am without it, so although i can always subtly hate this troglodyte, only committing 10-15% of my heart at any given time, i can be happy for these reasons:

1) it was the first major crack in the foundation of my religious experience, eventually freeing me of large quantities of guilt and unhappiness.

2) it resulted in me getting contact lenses, allowing me to fully realize my own physical beauty.

so, although i have a fucked up pupil, and i have chunks of crap floating around in my eye that obstruct my vision, at least i've secured a place for myself in hell, as far away from jerks like grant as possible, and i will have gay men hitting on my gorgeous ass for years to come. hurray!

-gar

p.s. it might just be that fact that my life has taken a turn for the better of late that resulted in my slightly positive outlook today, and eventually someday when the shithouse has gone up in flames i'll regret having not spent this day gnashing my teeth and writhing in agony.

p.p.s. Broken Flowers is an amazing film.

p.p.p.s. R.I.P. Joseph Nail Heckensmith
beloved Friend, Mentor, Guinea Pig
Aug 22nd, 1992- Date of Death Unknown 1996

bunch of savages in this town...

2005-08-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

well, we can add my briefcase to the listen of stolen goods.

to the thief...

by the power invested in me, by the dark lord himself, Satan, i curse you to a life of endless agony and protracted woe, you vile, hateful wretch. shemhamforash!

-gar

p.s. six feet under 2001-2005. R.I.P.

life has been so fun for the past 3 nights and today wasn't so bad either

2005-08-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

riding bikes to a party is so fun. getting there and finding out there is karaoke is so sweet. stealing the mic from just about everyone and singing for them is the coolest. seth doing something he shouldn't... priceless.

have you ever gone to an underage punk rock party on top of a roof? it is a blast. this guy was on the same level as the roof but in a different building. he looked so cool there in his apartment/robe.

why do i always look so homeless when i hold a child?

-gar

p.s. postsecret is so good this week. check it out.

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

i just found one of my contacts! the right one!!! no more glasses for me (but i will probably have just one bloodshot eye for a while)!!!

-gar

aaaaaagh!!!

2005-08-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

i've had too much caffeine! i feel like my face is coming off. i try to hold it on, but i can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-gar

p.s. the cunted is an awesome band.

p.p.s. i like having fun.

uh...

2005-08-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

last night i finally got around to washing my sheets that had been soiled on my birthday. when i went to put my clothes in the dryer i noticed it already had clothes in it. my neighbor was unavailable so i just put her clothes on top of the dryer. as i was doing so i found one of my shirts in with hers. weird...

i put my clothes in and went upstairs. i realized moments later that a pair of jeans i don't usually dry were currently being dried. i ran back down to retrieve them. when i got to the laundry hole, it smelled like burning. i looked behind the dryer and there was a pair of undergarments (not mine) blocking the exhaust vent. i had to mount the washing machine and stretch my arm down as far as it could go in order to get the panties. when i got them up i noticed that they were slightly charred from the vent. i was just waiting for my neighbor to burst in with me holding her smoldering unmentionables as sweat poured down my face (it was quite hot behind the dryer). luckily no one came and i just chucked them on the side of the dryer and absquatulated. AWKWARD!!!

-gar

p.s. i still love my bike!!! thanks dad!!!

p.p.s. the devil's advocate is the worst movie ever!!!

p.p.p.s. remember how i lost my contacts somehow on my birthday? well my eye doctor appointment isn't until tuesday. i'm going to be worse than half-blind until then (first off, when i wear my glasses i can't see very well with my right eye, but more importantly when i wear my glasses the left lens is actually working against that eye (long story, involving the heir to the furniture warehouse fortune shooting me in the eyeball with a b.b. gun 10 years ago monday in an act of criminal aggression)). so if i fail to recognize any of you from a distance or if i seem slightly off balance or if i reach for something and fail to accurately gauge its distance from myself, that's why, ok? leave me alone...

p.p.p.p.s. a while back i posted a visual aid to show my inability to see clearly. you can view it here.

and then there were two...

2005-08-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

goodbye, fair micah...

-gar

p.s. i got a bike from here! it's the coolest!

uh...

2005-08-16T12:57:00.000-07:00

for no particular reason at all i feel compelled to quote a song from the band cable.

"the whiskey is wearing off, i'm sobering up."

-gar

p.s. i want to sleep/cry for a while.

p.p.s. if it stops raining and i manage to get a bike tonight i think i should like to go for a little bike ride. you all are welcome to join me.

holy crap!

2005-08-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

click image for full size deal.

-gar

p.s. a kindly young maiden of which i have previously spoken just gave seth and me the strangest fruit in the world. for a moment i thought that it was possible that maybe i had fallen asleep on the way to the mall and was now dreaming.

p.p.s. "There is a Cantonese saying: "one lychee = three torches of fire". It refers to the extreme Yang property of the fruit. Over-consumption of lychees is reported to lead to dried lips and nosebleeds in some people. By contrast, the related longan fruit is purported to have a nourishing property" from wiki article.

i don't remember ANYTHING!!!

2005-08-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

uh...

hmmm...

yeah...

-gar

p.s. all i remember is slow dancing.

p.p.s. i don't remember when i took my contacts out, but more importantly, i don't remember WHERE i took my contacts out!!!

p.p.p.s. oh yeah, and someone peed in my bed (not me).

crap...

2005-08-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

ouch...

-gar

...

2005-08-15T19:37:00.000-07:00

god damn it, i'm gorgeous!!!

-gar

ok!

2005-08-15T17:26:00.000-07:00

peep new jacket (thanks brode) and glenlivet 18 year (thanks nar)!

COME TO THE W TONIGHT!!!

cheap everything and i'll be insane with megalomaniacal glee!!!

-gar

XXIV

2005-08-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

happy birthday to me!

-gar

p.s. let me renew the call for a venue for a hang out sesh tonight. suggestions? "why not at gar's house," you might be asking yourself/me... well for starters it's small, gross, dirty, stupid, poverty-stricken, chock-full of broken glass and the byproducts of canine micturition, etc.

p.p.s. check out eric's blog at safety tips! amazing.

fucking six feet under...

2005-08-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

ruined my life.

-gar

p.s. turns out there is one more episode next week. i don't know if i can take any more emotional trauma.

p.p.s. the crickets chirping is mixing with the music. quite lovely. (pick up the phone by notwist).

p.p.p.s. i think people turn to religion/relationships/jobs/drugs to stop thinking about themselves for a goddamn second. what it all boils down to is that we're all falling apart slowly (sometimes fast). life is a series of hurdles each one higher than the last until it's a chore to get up in the morning. society has placed barriers between us and all of the things that will facilitate our demise. we're now forced to endure life for longer than any generation before us but we live in such a priveledged time we're made to feel ungrateful for wanting it all just to be over. i'd like to just take pleasure in all the little things but most of the time i'm too embarassed or fearful to enjoy anything for very long.

p.p.p.p.s. does that last post script qualify as gothic poetry?

p.p.p.p.p.s. cool out, i'm gar. it's my party and i'll cry if i want to.

much too much

2005-08-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

three questions:

who invented jello shots?

were they convicted of a crime for doing so?

and why did i allow myself to drink so many last night?

angry micah!!!

-gar

p.s. i almost never puke, but i puked last night. fortunately all into a toilet. go me! it's my b-day tomorrow. where in the hell should i have everyone go? if someone wants to host a mangle-fest let me know. if no household can withstand the mayhem that is bound to ensue we need to find a bar. one that we won't mind never going to again.

mccall

2005-08-13T19:23:00.000-07:00

the cabin.

cards again, eh?

my little brother who is totally and awesomely obsessed with star wars.

cousin's cute dog.

last night. way too much scotch, energy soda/malt liquor combo & beer.

this is a long drive for someone with nothing to think about.

get me out of this car.

-gar

p.s. i managed to avoid the sun at all costs. i went in the lake once. i ate more food than i ever have in my entire life. i enjoyed cutty sark and glenlivet scotch. i drank a million idaho beers. wore stolen short shorts 95% of the time. showered once. brushed teeth twice. awesome.

three fingers of glenlivet

2005-08-11T21:55:00.000-07:00

I got two mini bottles of glenlivet for my birth. It tastes so good.

2005-08-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, i've fallen in love with a young lady who works the cashier at the local market. I don't know her name but i'm pretty sure we're getting married.

party time usa!

2005-08-08T11:11:00.000-07:00

who wears short shorts? aqua man wears short shorts.

brow!

can you say scotch?

can you say hats?

-gar

p.s. for inexplicable reasons a.t.d.f. leapt into our escape pod mid-party to go play some super mario bros, we even had fake moustaches to add to the realism!

san jorge

2005-08-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

this pic is old. ain't it perty?

i went to mesquite. dirty men subjugating women. that's what i saw. but i also got scotch, and a lot more for my buck than i get in slc.

this one's for seth.

turns out there is a proud tradition in my family of making saddles.

-gar

p.s. i missed a lot of insane party time this weekend, but i got to hang with my brode and my dad and they are the coolest, so it was worth it. sorry i passed out so early josh. i'm not accustomed to drinking alcohol (outside of utah).

end times...

2005-08-05T12:53:00.000-07:00

an esteemed colleague of the a.t.d.f. chronicled some of the last exploits of the team. consider it our book of revelations, but more gay.

check it out: a.t.d.f. vs. creepy neighbor 2000

-gar

p.s. god bless you emily, god bless you.

ok everybody...

2005-08-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

i'm leaving. i'll be back on sunday night, but then i leave monday afternoon again, so peace out! i'll be back for good on the 14th. btw, save up your party juices b/c it's my birthday on the 15th.

-gar

in the beginning...

2005-08-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

god made seth, micah and gar. he immediately regretted that decision.

once upon a time, seth turned 21. gar desperately wanted to take him out to a bar. two days after his b-day they went to monk's b/c they heard that weird pole named micah from work went there. they didn't know it then, but they had stumbled onto something powerful. it wouldn't be until 6/29-7/4 that they would discover a name for ourselves. of course you all know it by now.

awkward team destruction force

we are characterized by our uncanny ability to drink alcohol all day long everyday. we also seem to have few qualms with burning bridges. we have a penchant for launching megajokes. many have asked us, "from where do you draw your strength?" we usually chuckle and scream with a stentorian force, "CALIFORNIA KING SIZE!" anyways, we're really stupid and if you hang out with us more than once you'll regret it. but luckily for all of you, hanging out is no longer an option.

ok, but seriously, where the hell is micah's phone and seth's backpack.

and seriously... my finger hurts.

-gar

p. s. it's better to burn out than to fade away... -mr. neil young

questions!

2005-08-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

did a ninja cut open the screen in my back window, crawl in and steal seth's backpack and micah's phone?

or

did i somnambulate again, and in the midst of it hurl the aforementioned objects through the screen?

or

is there some sort of rational explanation for the absence of these two very important objects and the seriously damaged window screen?

-gar

mission accomplished

2005-08-04T12:46:00.000-07:00

the a.t.d.f. destroyed itself right where it began.

-gar

p.s. ow, my fucking finger... -don

gar's finger + micah slawinski's body + gravity = MANGLED!!!

last chance...

2005-08-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

to see awkward team karaoke force!!!

monk's house of crap! tonite!

$2.50 cocktails! watch us self-destruct!

-gar

good times...

2005-08-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

i just remembered this one time...

pete the pirate, my mormon ex-gf and i all went to evanston, wy. she was 19 and didn't smoke (obviously), but peter and i were only 18 and did smoke. we could have easily had her purchase us some tobacco in our native state (her grip was not so tight upon the iron rod), but that wouldn't have been any fun! do you remember what it was like to find new freedoms? (btw, in utah you have to be 19 to purchase cigarettes, if that wasn't made quite clear) it was so exciting then, now i am so effing sick of free will and accountability.

on my 18th b-day, well the day after, i got a stupid tattoo and went to evanston to buy porn and cigarettes. i got the cigarettes, but then i remembered i hated porn and simply grew more and more forlorn and dejected as i wandered the aisles, avoiding eye contact with the creepies.

anyways, back to the other time, with pete the pirate and my ex-geef who is now married in the temple, we bought a ton of kamel red lights b/c that is what pete and i loved together, we went and ate potato products at a truck stop and smoked inside even though smoking and eating is the grossest thing ever. then we showed her the road one ends up on if they miss the onramp to the highway. pete and i dubbed it "rape alley" b/c it is so scary. at that moment in time my paternal homeslice lived on 3717 europa drive... i had lived there very recently as well. well 3717 rape alley was a meat packing plant and i found that hilarious.

oh, memories. this post was for me to reminisce and to make you all truly appreciate the times when i'm actually being funny. till next time, jerks!

-gar

on facing the challenges of multitasking in the modern world

2005-08-02T15:46:00.000-07:00

so, there i was, purchasing food at a local german grocer/delikatessen when lo, my card was declined. well they said it was declined because as a result of the strict censorship imposed during the third reich the words "no carrier" were banned and replaced with "sorry, your card was declined."

oh yeah, and this way old lady got in line seconds before i did, but she had a whole basket full of shit, and i had but two (2) food items. the cashier said "let this man go first."

then, later, as the cashier reluctantly tried the same card again on the machine, my phone rang. the number looked familiar, but when i answered i didn't recognize the voice, and the voice did not offer any biographical information about itself. i was left to use quantitative reasoning techniques i had failed to learn while in a class called "Quantitative Reasoning 101". well i knew it was a girl and someone to whom i must have given my number. using these clues i deduced the identity of the caller. as i was applying this detail to all that i had heard previously in the conversation i was also at the same time listening to what she was currently saying. i was trying my best to keep up my end of this telecommunicational tête-à-tête, when i remembered that the matter of paying for my food had yet to be settled. but at the same time this was the first phone conversation i had ever had with this person and didn't want it to end awkwardly.

problems with which i was faced, in order:

1) obligation to be swift since i was offered a preferential spot in line.

2) card falsely accused of being declined.

3) phone call, should it be answered at this critical juncture in the transaction?

4) figuring out who this person is without requesting said info (avoiding feelings being hurt).

5) realizing identity of caller, applying data, whilst continuing conversation seamlessly.

6) making repeated eye contact with cashier and old woman as they look upon me with disdain and a yearning for german efficiency and speed.

7) trying damnedest to have normal conversation in light of extenuating circumstances.

selected solutions to some of these problems (in no particular order).

a) not answering phone. first off, answering a phone when dealing with other people is quite rude. secondly, i could've called the number right back.

b) or, having answered the phone i could have said, "who is this?" b/c the peeps with whom i choose to associate do not get offended at such petty indiscretions.

c) and then after i settled that i could've said, "can i call you right back? i'm in the middle of some pretty heavy shit right now." because that's what normal people say.

well, anyways, everything worked out. the conversation ended a.o.k. and the cashier said fuck it and let me have the food for free! awkward to awesome in 26 (or so) easy steps!

-gar

holy chrins?!

2005-08-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

someone actually found my blog by searching for:

dipsomaniacal lacivious.

oh, stranger... you've made me the happiest woman in the world.

-gar

holy crap

2005-08-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

six feet under is the best program on television. sunday's episode ruined my life. that is all.

-gar

sweetest headline ever!!!

2005-08-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

Four dead in cockfight grenade attack

highlight of the article:

"It appears that some men lost money and then they lost control."

-gar

p.s. "I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight." -Ron Burgundy

2005-08-01T14:28:00.000-07:00

I have no desire to blog today. Sorry, gar

the world's most expensive joke!

2005-07-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

$40!

have you guys ever destroyed your apartment? just as a lark?

it's really funny.

-gar

holy shit!

2005-07-30T08:56:00.000-07:00

do you know what happens when you get home and begin to hurl all of your earthly posessions into the garbage can? apparently nothing! i chucked my phone in there, but somehow only the battery ended up within the bounds of it, and it was covered in marinara sauce. i gave it a good paper toweling and everything is tot kosh!

did you guys know that there is no such thing as alcohol conservation? you buy it, you drink it.

i wish someone would have had the foresight to realize that it would've been real convenient like to have the words one two three etc. be spelled in such a way that alphabetically speaking they would line up in a way that would denote their numeral connotations (in english, of course).

holy crap?

sums it up.

the man of the evening (to whom i said many a sappy thing).

bff.

bff again (pronounced agaighn).

bff noch ein mal, bitte.

true, unadulterated, beauty.

damn it all, alcohol.

that's gonna be a good one!

now there goes a man!

-gar

p.s. the doors are actually awesome.

p.p.s. i'm like a character in the wizard of oz... "if i only had self-esteem..." but let's face it, if i ever realized how awesome i am i would probably invade poland.

p.p.p.s. ride the snake.

p.p.p.p.s. everybody cool out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.p.p.p.p.s. ok, like i almost totally forgot! things i did!!!! knocked over the stereoke at my house (on purpose!) and rode the chair like a surf board (twice apparently!) falling off both times! awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.p.p.p.p.p.s. binary mosquito bites are the coolest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-29T23:30:00.000-07:00

A woman no longer loves me. My life is thrown into upheaval.

addendum to previous post

2005-07-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

let's just say the cast of laguna beach consists entirely of high-hats and tuft-hunters!

-gar

marathon napping!

2005-07-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

so, once again i fell asleep upon arriving home and stayed that way until the middle of the night. this time there was no new stella to watch. instead i watched the first 48, a drama series based on what would have happened if america had never acquired hawaii or alaska as states. fascinating! j/k alert!!! no, it documents real homicide investigations. i've talked about this show a ton b/c its so sweet. sgt. joe shellaci is my hero. the episode where he goes undercover as a hobo and scores heroin? awesome.

but then, i was left to watch the second season opener of laguna beach. holy crap. i must have been on drugs when i watched the first season b/c i was actually midly entertained then. this new episode was literally (figuratively) painful to watch. the show is based around the "real" lives of america's richest asshole's sons and daughters. none of them have brains. all they want is the world's most pointlessly expensive shit. they base their "love lives" around what they've seen in soap operas, romantic comedies and animal planet documentaries on the mating habits of wildebeasts. all of the girls hate eachother, even the ones that are friends. all the men are clearly latently homosexual. they're constantly "rough housing" with each other. everyone sucks, except stephen, he's the only one from a household with a modest income. meaning he drives a 2003 ford explorer instead of a 2011 escalade jet car.

then i was able to finally fall asleep. unfortunately i was unable to achieve sub-freezing temperatures in my room like i was able to the previous two nights. full hibernation was not attained.

i hope the next season of the first 48 documents the homicide investigation into the deaths of the cast of laguna beach and culminates in them finding me in a warehouse with all of their corpses/vehicles laughing maniacally as i hurl my own dung at each of them.

-gar

prepare for sorrow!

2005-07-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

what the hell are all of you going to do when i go on vacation on either august 5th or 8th for a week? weep? nap? punch/kick? i will prolly do come drunken mobile blogging, but it's not gonna make any sense i'm sure. i will be lounging on a paddle boat, in my sporty speedo (boxer brief style, not brief brief style. and short boxer brief style at that. basically a tube top for boys that covers their privates) and making my family uncomfortable for the many following reasons:

a) the aforementioned "way too small for me" bathing suit failing to conceal something of which no one should be proud

b) social reclusivity (sic)

c) constant intoxication

d) refusal to play any games (board or otherwise) except the one i brought to the table (both literally and figuratively) which the family has a ravenous need to play.

e) dislike for all things requiring physical exertion i.e. hiking, water skiing, standing, peeling arm off chair for to change the channel, leading directly into...

f) continued need for television, movies and music and vegetation.

-gar

p.s. how does one reconcile one's hatred of all things tedious with their continued omnipresence in one's daily life? by immersing oneself in tedium on one's own terms aka reading/writing blogs.

end of eras...

2005-07-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

the shortlived "awkward team destruction force" will implode on or around the 17th of august. micah is going to a better place... the great northwest.

the fabled "r-x men" loses yet another member this weekend. with comrade ulcer living under those western skies, a.d.d. lad ventures off to that smelly chunk of earth called new york city.

but as i said last night, they will bury me in salt lake city. i ain't not going nowheres.

-gar

p.s. last night micah and i were... quite a pairaoke! ha ha! we wailed harder on "my generation" than jesus christ himself could have! the number ended with us completely entangled in eachother's limbs and microphone cables.

food, the bane of my existence

2005-07-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

waking up - 11:00am

the idea of food makes me want to throw up (even when i'm not hungover). this is when i drink a mountain dew.

11:00am - 1:30pm

so effing hungry that i feel faint and i begin to shake (this is when i usually get around to eating, but 12:00 - 1:00 is obviously lunch festival for everyone so its too busy to want to go anywhere. so the window is quite small. the kind sandwich is my new fav place btw, but i guess that's going away soon, right? (crossroads mall becoming gutted and born anew like the mighty phoenix, but this time a newly converted l.d.s. phoenix that won't let you swear (y'all know how much i be liking swearing!))).

1:30pm - 7:00pm

maybe two tacos? as little food as possible. see, the trick to not eating is not having a car and not keeping food in your house. but then there is always ordering a pizza, but i'm getting pretty damn sick of that crap!

7:00pm - 1:00am

who needs food when there is scotch and/or pbr. i like expensive liquor and cheap beer. it's a thing i have.

-gar

p.s. stella is the best show on earth. yesterday, in order to make up for my recent lack of sleep i slept from 6:00pm until 11:30 pm, watched stella & first chunk of daily show, then slept until morning. awesome.

p.p.s. yes its official, interpol is coming to slc!!! that'll make it three shows in one year for old gar. boise, baltimore and finally in the city in which i live: s l to the emmereffing c!